What can you do today to start deepening a relationship that you care about? For either person to see the friendship as beneficial, your positive interactions need to outweigh the negative ones. Maybe you don’t need more friendships, you need deeper ones. But not many of them are deep friendships," he said. When I finally mustered up the courage to talk to my friends about my challenges, however, I realized that no one actually has a perfect life. A good friend will: Show a genuine interest in what’s going on in your life, what you have to say, and how you think and feel. The older I get, the harder it is to make new friends. GET MORE FUN & INSPIRING IMAGES & VIDEOS. Post continues below. Think about a friend that, after hanging out with them, you felt drained. But how the heck are we supposed to lay down our lives for our friends when we can’t even grab a few minutes with them?! Yet, I felt some sort of pressure to do so, anyway. Initiating with someone once is not going to get you very far if you don’t follow up with more invitations, or they don’t reciprocate in kind. Maybe what we’re actually looking for is substance; a connection we’d want to stand beside us on one of the most important days of our lives. • A 2013 study found that 75 percent of us are not truly satisfied with our friendships. Swallow your pride and just take the first step. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that more friendships are better. You might need to bring them to your house. The goal of vulnerability is to feel known. Andy Kim serves as the Multiethnic Resource Director for InterVarsity Multiethnic Initiatives and Associate Director for InterVarsity Creative Labs. If you only see someone once every now and then, that interaction time isn’t enough to know how they’ll react to certain things we say. If someone has made the effort to reach out to you, give them the courtesy of doing the same for them. . . Sometimes we invite people to spend time with us, but then once they get there we divert half of our attention talking to friends on our phone. Ouch. I, on the other hand, don’t focus on a few because I have a serious case of F.O.M.O. What are your thoughts of an older woman sleeping with a much younger man? Giving them a little insight into your life can go a very long way. Jesus put it this way, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. "Yeah, I have a lot of friends. I felt so lost, so alone. I mulled this over on my way home that evening. Here are five practices (in two parts) for developing deep friendships. Invite God into your friendships. It's ours. In light of this amazing vision, how silly would we be to make our friendships just a product of human effort? And yet, it is so rarely actually executed. Click here to read more. Hopes, dreams, feelings, regrets, memories. Privacy Policy  |   Did you catch that? Whatever it may be, it causes you to feel a distance from them. So let’s start right now. "If we got married tomorrow, who would you have in the wedding party?". They alone witnessed the resurrection of Jairus’s daughter. Be vulnerable enough to tell people what you hope for and need. True friendships take work. Give them the benefit of the doubt and just be willing to open up. Would a man try to get a woman’s attention that he like? True community, Bonhoeffer says, is only made possible by God’s power, through Jesus Christ’s death on the cross and the Holy Spirit’s ongoing transformative work in our lives. … Henry, Heart of the West. The only solution to this is consistency. Don’t let time with people be the first thing that drops from your schedule when you’re busy. The part of friendships that we all benefit from is intimacy. Are you dissatisfied with your friendships? And I’ve been thinking about them ever since. The truth is I don’t take the time to create new friendships. And yet, it is so rarely actually executed. In a 2017 Tedx Talk, Shasta Nelson talked about the three things any friendship needs to become a more in-depth connection: positivity, consistency, and vulnerability. InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA and its affiliated companies. I think about this principle often when I contrast my relationships with my brother and my husband. Spending time together creates familiarity, which fosters trust. It's about us. This doesn’t only include sharing that you’re struggling with anxiety, it also includes talking about your fears, dreams, passions, failures, and successes. Don’t assume that if you start telling them about yourself they will judge you or remain taciturn. Humans are social animals in that we crave connections with other people. Build intimacy with your friends by opening up about yourself. Deeper friendships. The Mamamia Out Loud team discuss why we are all paranoid that our friends are mad at us and the extra (sometimes imagined) tension between friends when we can't see them. Small talk isn’t neutral. Even though I had known some of the guys for years, making weekly time for them allowed for a new depth that had previously not been possible in our busy, scattered schedules. Some of us are good at having actual conversations, but not very deep ones—we stick to topics like the weather, the results of the recent sports game in the city, or what’s trending on social media. In other words, we don’t just “build community”; rather, we receive the community that God has established through Jesus. No matter the information you share, you want the other person to understand what happened, accept your feelings, and still love you. Now, don’t get me wrong—all these things are great. Spending time together creates familiarity, which fosters trust. Lauren Meeks is a travel junkie and life enthusiast. If you're not already a Mamamia member, sign up (it's easy, we promise). Jesus valued friendship. How to Make Friends Without Looking Desperate, Real Friends Say Hard Things: How to Speak the Truth in Love, Friendship: Growing Side by Side (LifeGuide Bible Study). If we want to develop deep relationships, we’ve got to put down our phones. People will be much more willing to invest in you if they feel you truly care about them and what’s going on in their lives, and you can only make them feel you care about them if you really do care. Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. Maybe it’s because they always talk about themselves, or perhaps they bring out the worst qualities in you. “No friendship is an accident.” –O. Most of our time is already jam-packed with work, school, Netflix, Facebook, church, volunteering, and various leadership roles. But nearly every Thursday in a three-month stretch, I made time for bowling. If the goal is to create intimate friendships, you’ll only be willing to do that with a person you know well. To my surprise, he named three men, thought a little more, and named one more. What can we do about it? This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Member of the International Fellowship of Evangelical Students. As much as we would love to pop ’em in the microwave and have them be wonderfully delicious in two minutes, meaningful friendships take a lot of time and hard work. And how might you invest in them so that they can make an impact for God’s kingdom? Friendships aren’t Hot Pockets. This has caused enormous tension and friction between us, because I feel unimportant and he feels like I’m trying to control him. Though I run this site, it is not mine. A few years ago I joined a weekly bowling league. Don’t be that friend. It makes me feel so much more comfortable around and close to him. Equally as important as initiating is reciprocating when someone else reaches out to you. And my fear of missing out on new opportunities causes me to tolerate shallow friendships so that I can always be available for the next fun, cool outing. You can read Kirstie’s other articles on Medium or follow her on Instagram @wordswithkirstie. So I reached out to a few experts to get tips on how to build deeper friendships. Research shows it can actually harm friendships: Notably, small talk predicted a reduction in friendship closeness from 6 weeks to 9 weeks.