The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? “We don’t have an ad in the paper today,” I told her. Remember to visit a dermatologist once you've completed the quiz, and talk to them about your answers. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for... My daughter received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or meet for any of the tests. It’s National Joke Day, and your cheesy, mostly funny Assistant has a few jokes up its sleeve. 21. Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah? What did the traffic light say to the car? Why did the old man fall in the well? While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised... A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. 15. One day she dreams of having sex with her hot Biology teacher. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my... My husband can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. T., via e-mail. “How do you know?” the first demands. Have you experienced tender, swollen bumps, either on or under your skin, that may produce foul-smelling liquid and scarring? A blind man walks into a bar. Looking for funny jokes? God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh.". While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no one thinks you’re funny.” —Nedra Cawley. Ed: I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. He storms back to the yard... A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day. Don't believe us? —A.K. An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. How fast were you planning on going? It fit perfectly, and the skirt was a swirl of intricate pleats. Without her, man is nothing.” —Susan Allen. “My dog told me.”. Wonder what his FANTAsies were? What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? — Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) July 31, 2011, what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid, — famouscarb (@famouscrab) January 10, 2012. Fred: How bad is it? — Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 1, 2012. Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. The friend explained that as a diesel fitter, my dad’s responsibility would be to pick up each garment as it came off the line, look it over, and then hold it up and announce, “Yep, deez’ll fit ’er!” At least, that’s the story my dad told a thousand times. — jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) February 9, 2012, Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute, — Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) September 26, 2011, Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're "players," but when I do it I'm a "lesbian. Fo’ drizzle. I'm a helicopter!". He then asked for some e-cigarette products and handed me his ID to prove he was... An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. Howson, in. Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet? The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large. What's a foot long and slippery? What did one hat say to the other? As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending. Alexa will tell you a joke if you simply ask it to -- just say "Alexa, tell me a joke." I wore it confidently to an evening party and glowed when a woman exclaimed, “Oh, how stunning!” Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear, until she added cheerfully, “Hang on to it, honey. “Oh!” I shouted. It's important to talk to a dermatologist about any medical concerns you may have. He had locomotives. When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. I can do it with my eyes closed. 1. —Mria Murillo. So I pushed her over. Tooth-hurtie. The woman quickly learned... We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. The "Voice" judge reveals the reason for her new look. She discovered... Every year—every single year!— when we’re getting the garden ready, I can be sure Dad will say, “I’d like to grow seedless watermelon, but I can’t find the seeds!” —Christopher Fishbein. I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. These hilarious jokes will turn your frown upside down before you … A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack*. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game... My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh.