He does have good qualities. Edited to add: I’m sorry about formatting, I’m still new to reddit. And while you remember the time and location of your engagement, your husband may only recall the date. Every item on this page was chosen by a Woman's Day editor. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. But he shouldn't necessarily be the person you turn to when you just need to vent. But what can you reasonably expect in a “happy” marriage? It goes back to men's and women's brains being wired differently; women tend to retain emotional memories better than men do. I’m having a hard time seeing them right now. Cookies help us deliver our Services. Subreddit for discussion of recovery in [Al-Anon](http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). So, yes, it's important that he pick the kids up from soccer practice on time — but his habit of being 10 minutes late for dinner may not be that big of a deal. Here, experts draw the line between what's acceptable and what's simply asking too much. I asked him not to drink on Christmas Day, so he drank until 3 in the morning on Christmas Eve and then was miserable on Christmas Day when our son woke up early and excited to open presents. Open communication is always more productive. 7 steps couples should take to address unmet expectations. Whatever. Do not take the expectancy of your husband lightly as it is these essential characteristics which make you his dream girl. While wedding vows, personalities, responsibilities, and many other things will differ from marriage to marriage, there are nonnegotiable marriage expectations that should be the same for all spouses. According to marriage and family therapist Willa Williams, here are seven steps couples (and anyone else, for that matter) can take to turn the nightmare of unmet expectations into a genuine opportunity to grow their relationship and become teammates again!. But his forgetfulness isn't because he doesn't care. Schedule it in his phone. Plus, allowing little squabbles between the two of you — like getting frustrated because she insists on sitting in the passenger seat when he drives — to become a bigger issue puts the burden on him, and that could make him feel resentful, says April Masini, a relationship and etiquette expert in Boca Raton, FL. What We BelievePodcastCoaching with Dr CarolOther ResourcesPrivacy Policy, you will have to take responsibility for meeting yourself, « How To Communicate Better With Your Spouse. In addition to trying to limit your expectations of each other to the "reasonable," do you also talk about the desire to be helpful to one another? How about the guy who just passed you on the street, or the one you saw picking up vegetables at the grocery store? That said, if a milestone matters to you, instead of quietly holding him on a pedestal that you know he'll fall off of when he forgets, tell him how important the memory is to you. The two character traits may go hand-in-hand, so Reeves says you may need to pick your battles. Eleven Dating Mistakes Guys Make (And How to Correct Them), 8 New Proven Tricks That Make Your Marriage Stronger, How to Fix Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps, 10 Marriage -Saving Lessons from Couples Who Didn't Make It, Wedding-Planning Pros Reveal 10 Signs a Marriage Will Fail, 10 Unspoken Marriage Rules You Must Follow. I feel like I am going crazy when he is just unwilling to budge on any issues. While sex definitely involves affection, the two can stand on their own and because of that, expecting affection without sex is reasonable. But if she's respectful, friendly, and doesn't pose an actual threat, there's no reason to give her the boot. "He'll react by getting back into courting behavior and letting you know he appreciates you." As for the truly crucial tasks, "explain to him where the duty fits in for the family's overall plan for the day, then discuss your individual responsibilities," Reeves suggests. You are easy to get along with. And not every marriage will be “good” in every way. It can be more subtle, like giving him the silent treatment or withholding affection (especially sex) in order to get your way. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. It is often these feelings of disappointment that cause … "That way he feels like he's a part of the decision and taking accountability, rather than simply feeling like he's being nagged. Whatever your issue is with your mother-in-law — maybe he sometimes puts her first, or your personalities just clash — it's best for you to really put forth the effort to resolve the problem. 1. I’m venting so this all sounds awful. That's because enjoying time apart with your separate passions strengthens a marital bond, Dr. Tessina adds. Remain committed. If it's not, then talk to your husband — in private — about coming up with a potential solution together. That said, balance is key: His passion shouldn't deny you regular family time or a weekly date night. I feel like I don’t even know what my values are anymore. What do you think someone can expect in a good marriage? "Men [are] concerned about identifying and fixing problems, and women express feelings [to] connect emotionally.". Many things go into the success (or lack thereof) of a marriage: communication, compatibility, expectations, outside support, commitment, and more. 14900 Avery Ranch Blvd Suite c200-223 Austin, TX 78717 Phone: 1- 512 434 0660, About Us What CAN you expect in a “good” marriage? Woman's Day participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. "Looking is natural, and it's not even unhealthy as long as it's just looking," says Jason Arshan Nik, M.S., a psychologist in California. Otherwise, expecting him to stay silent could make him feel frustrated and like he's not being helpful, Bennett says, while you end up feeling like you're not being heard. I’ve spent so long trying to make things work and bending my values to fit into the life that alcoholism was creating for us. It takes everything I have to motivate him to get up and do things with us as a family. I feel like I am so out of touch with what a respectful partnership looks like. I want to build up my self worth and need to know what a normal healthy relationship should look like. I understand that these things were stressful for him, but I didn’t think that it was too much to ask for some emotional support. ", You know that best bud your man had when you were dating — the one who kind of got on your nerves — and you figured you could phase him out once you were married? Have I left out anything important? I’ve spent so long trying to make things work and bending my values to fit into the life that alcoholism was creating for us. I have struggled with this question too. What can you do moving forward to honor those in your behavior as well as others? This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. Your husband's interests are likely part of what attracted you to him in the first place, so resist resenting the time and energy he spends on those things once you're married. If you can, remember he is an alcoholic. Here are 10 things you can realistically look for, work for, and pray for in your marriage. I feel like I am so out of touch with what a respectful partnership looks like. But, there are some things that are uncompromising in loving relationships. These are the things you should never ask of your partner. We may earn commission on some of the items you choose to buy. The fundamental problem seems to be that I have very different expectations about what's OK than my Q does. Acting childish doesn't have to mean throwing tantrums on the floor, either. What matters is what I need in a relationship, and if the relationship isn't meeting those needs, and I can't come to some agreement about that with my Q, then that means I have a hard choice to make. Thank you for this. Everyone has different expectations, and in the beginning ours were aligned.